The only survey I did the entire year... and it wasn't that good lol

Full Name: Samantha Elizabeth Hand
Nickname: Ellie, MontieDate of Birth: February 11th, 1990Height: 5'6 or 5’7Favorite Color: yellow
Favorite Animal: Giraffes
Favorite Sea Creature: DolphinsFavorite Food: Boca Burgers
Favorite Vegetable: Corn
Favorite Fruit: StrawberriesIdeal Pizza: VeggieYour Last Meal: Cheese Pizza BitesFavorite Candy Bar: SnickersFavorite Restaurant: The Grill or Taste of Mexico… my grents own it so they will make anything Vegetarian for me J Favorite Holiday: my birthdayFavorite Season: Summer for the break and sun, fall for the photography opportunitiesFavorite Amusement Park: Kalahari in Wisconsin, or Six FlagsFavorite Vacation Spot: Anywhere with the ocean
Favorite Soda: I don’t drink cokes anymore
Favorite Latte: Grande Decaf Iced White Mocha with Soy and a shot of Carmel syrupMost Missed Memory: not having to pay bills J
Most Missed High School Memory: Ms. Desalvo/Yearbook Editing… best times!
Favorite Song: at the moment I am listening to all things Valencia. There is not one song off their two cd’s that I don’t like. Favorite Music Video: Where did you go Valencia… I would like to make a you tube video along the same lines in Chicago, I think it would be sweet.
Favorite CD: A Reason To Believe
Favorite Movie Soundtrack: TwilightFavorite Concert: Bbash in like 98, it was my first and it was the last time I really remember my family happy, The Introduction/Cute Is What We Aim For, and that awesome drive in 6 hour traffic to Wisconsin with Kristin might trump it thought.
Concert You Want to See: Valencia
Favorite Song Lyric:
“Lost and insecure, you found me, you found meLying on the floor, surrounded, surroundedWhy'd you have to wait?Where were you? Where were you?Just a little late.You found me, you found me.”- The Fray, I actually plan on blogging about this song laterSong you could listen to a million times: Anything Valencia, Hope it gives you hell-All American Rejects, You found me-The Fray, Anything The Maine, or Erick HuttchingsonFavorite Movie in 2008: Twilight
Favorite Teak-Jerker: I saw Dirty Dancing on Broadway, and that last scene killed me
Favorite Scary Movie: I don’t do scary
Favorite Cartoon: I also don’t do cartoons
Favorite Actor: Robert Pattinson
Favorite Actress: Reese WitherspoonFavorite Comedian: Dane CookFavorite Talk Show Host: Ellen DeGeneres…I don’t really watch it anymore though
Favorite T.V. Show: I don’t watch much anymore but the Office by far!!Hottest Actor: Kellan Lutz, Chase Crawford, Robert PattinsonHottest Actress: Reese A Movie You wish you could've been in: TwilightFavorite Quote from a Movie: “Honey, Karma is good on you for a year, I mean you Pookipsied your pants this year,” Sex and The City
Favorite Website: Facebook.com, PerezHilton.com…it’s a sickness, blogspot, twitterFavorite Computer Game: I don’t really play anything but tettrisFavorite Video Game: Guitar Hero, or Rock BandFavorite thing to Research: Vegetarian ArticlesIf you could be an Animal: I would be a giraffe because they are pretty sweetIf you could live anywhere: Somewhere on the East coast, its sooo different then the Midwest and the south, just as long as the ocean is only a drive away. or Chicago, like downtown
Song that best describes you: Rock and Roll-Eric HutchingsonMovie that describes your life: The Perfect Man, and I am Hillary Duff… to the
Dream Car: YELLOW NISSAN EXTERA!!!Dream Job: To be a journalist, but thoughs who can’t do teach, so I am going to be a High School English Teacher
Favorite Book: At The Moment I am reading, Skinny BitchFavorite Painting/Drawing: Degas… I love his dancersFavorite Artist: DegasFavorite Subject in School: EnglishFavorite Teacher: Mr. Zawacki, and Mrs. DeSalvo. Allergic to Anything?: PollenBiggest Fears: being alone, and spidersIf you were trapped on an island, what could'nt you live without?: laptop, and musicWhat would you do with 5 Million Bucks: Saint Jude would get most of it, I would pay of my students loans along with my siblings, and buy that extra, TWLOHA would get the rest… like evenly split with st. jude lol
One thing you'd change about the world: Education
What charity would you donate to?: TWLOHA, St. Jude… other then having lived in Memphis, the little girl on the commercials name is EllieWhen you're bored, what do you do?: Make you tube videos, face book, blog, but mostly readPhilosophy of Life: No Regrets.

Some pictures pre accident...

These were all at church with us just goffing around :)

cranky

so I am kind of cranky... but its totally with myself.

i have sweet pictures to post but im crippled at the moment so i will post them later. like after work or something.

so tonight i went to the box... i was feeling not so hot this morning so i stayed home, i started feeling better and went out with a few friends to take some pictures and go to down town naperville... well... we are at the box,

drinking soy frozen hot chacolates...

and my new friend brad comes in with a nerf gone.. well we got some awesome pictures and videos...

but luke a sophmore decided it wold be funny to shoot a round of nerf darts at my face... and it was... but i can't just let something go

so i ran and chased him through the church pinching him,

and he ran into the boys bathroom... well he called brad and brad totally took myside and came to shoot him, well luke started running and i grabbed his jacket... and he started to fall and so did i and i stepped on him and my ankle made a HUGE CRACK...

i thought it was broke and i cried... and now its just really fat... not broken just a crappy sprain but i have to lay really uncomfortabley to keep it elevated... and i called off work, so idk how tom. im going to explain that i can't walk because i went out with friends on the day i called it sick, even thought i was really sick in the morning.


better day tom. :) el

p.s. im not even spell checking or gramar checking this because i was just throwing something down really... really fast.

in other news, i bought, "Skinny Bitch," today, im on chapter 5... awesome. read it :)

Chicago

snowy ice.

So I started this blog as a rant of why my day sucked.
But then 3 things made it all better so I’m just ganna post pictures.

I walked into the pool and

my lense fogged but it cool.

Snowy Ice that is acutally melting at this moment outside it super foggy and hot.

Its awesome but weird!

Hopefully tom. after work Im going to a friends acoustic show and I will have sweet pics from thatfor yall tom.

Stay tuned :)

El

It has been months...

but i have been feeling inspired lately to start this up again.

part of why i stopped was a lack of time for my long tangents on thoughts of mine.

so sometimes you will get a tangent.

sometimes you will get a youtube video.

maybe sometimes just a quote

today will be a photo blog about christmas

btw. Merry Christmas, or whatever it is you are celebrating, I just hope you wern't alone, and enjoyed your day :)

Ellie

2 months, and 23 days....

sense my last post.

almost 3 months...

alot has happend.
and alot has changed.

The list of things that have happend:

• I got a job at Chilis
• I graduated high school
• I started semseter dos of high school
• I bought the office season 3
• I struggled alot
• I am in a down time with God
• I am driffting away from my friends
• I have realized how important my friends are
• I have realized that I don't have to like everyone... nor do I have to take their crap

I am still.... not where I was with God... and I miss it.

basically I am not in a great mood. I went on the senior retreat and it was really good. but the car ride home was rought, and I was not happy... am not happy.

We prayed over every senior... and I remembered why I was good friends with someone, and questioned why I was friends with someone else.

When I am focused on God like I should be, I am in a great mood, my life seems to be in place, and what is not in place, I am at peace with it.

My dad and I are begging to talk again, thats amazing. But I am pulling away from what I want my dad so desperatley to follow, and I feel like I need to not go around then when I am acting like I am.

I need to go to Bradleys baseball game, I'll explain more later.

i dont hate anyone

I dont even know how to begin this. I dont hate her. Everyone has made it seem like I hate her.

I dont hate anyone.

I just feel he is being takin away. I dont want to use the word jealous because that sounds creepy.

Basically he is the closest thing I have to an older brother,

I dont know if she knows about my dads,

but they suck.

He has always been there.

I feel like hes not now.

When I was in middle school I wrote an essay for an english class,

it was called my hero is...

I wrote it on Andy.

Maybe this will help explain why my expactations, for lack of a better word,are so high.

I thought of many people that could be my hero, but one stood out the most, my uncle Andy. Andy was an easy choice; he has always been there for me. When I was nine my parents divorced but he was there for me. My dad was the first to remarry, on March 15th 2002. Andy went to middel school with my step-mom, and because my father does not have any borhters Andy and my dad were and still are close, so it is understandable why he was asked to be an usher in the wedding. He is the only person I hung out with all night, and he made the night worth while. December 2004, my mom remarried, that was very hard for me because my dad was 900 miles away from me but Andy was here and he really helped me through it. Among many of his own attmpts to marry, he hasn't found a girl who has the same love for Taco Bell, Geo metros, American Literature, and the movie Sling Blade yet. When he does he will have cool little kids and she will surely be my best friend.

No matter how bad a situation may be, he will find good in it, and make me laugh. In the last few years he has served in the Navy. I admire him for that, he came from a small now as a joker but he knew he had to do something with his life. He was very lucky to escape going to Iraq more then once. After September 11th they told him to pack his bags and he called my grandma to let her know, their conversation was quite funny. "What if they shoot at you Andy?" asked my grandmother. "You shoot back mom," Andy replied. My grandmother nervously said, "Andy, you dont know how to shoot a gun!" Andy laughed and said, "Mom what do you think we did in boot camp, swim all day?" Another time he was to deploy in a few weeks, so he was on leave to vist us and it could have been the last time I ever saw him. While he was with us his orders left early so another guy went for him. Then at Camp Lejeune, he was there so long he gained seniority but, he did have to stay on base durring an manditory hurricane evacuation.

Because of our ten year age difference we are more like siblings most of the time I suppose. One 4th of July, he was cutting the grass at my grandparent's house and I was inside with a popsicle. He came inside all sweaty and put his nasty armpit on my head, so I smeared my popsicle in his face.When I was younger he told me to call my grandma Liz, Grandma Lizard, she came back with Uncle Neener. The names stuck so well when my brother was born the nurse came and asked for Uncle Neener to come meet his nephew. I have passed these nicknames down to my siblings and cousins.

He has some pretty stupid sayings; he calls his neighbors Pit-Bull, Chewy Bitems. When I wasbaptized in May 2004, I called him to tell himand he said, "Aww did you take a bath with Jesus? Next time tell him I'll bring the rubber ducky." As blasphemes as it was, it was halarious.

When I stay at his house I always over stay my welcome, but he will live. He gets mad at me all jthe time but once he said, "I try to stay mad at her, but its hard. She is just so damn much like me." Some would take that as an insult, but I must say, It is probably the best compliment I have ever been given. I still show his girl friends really bad high shcool pictures, and he still plays Dungeons and Dragons, or as his roomate and I call it, Wizards and Weirdo's in his friends mom's basement, be he is still my hero and my best friend. Webster defines a hero as a methological or legendary figure often of devine desent endowed with great strenght or ability, and illustrious warrior, a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities, one that shows great courage, but to me Andy is so much more.

okay, cheese yes.

but as I was writting this at work, someone else came in and asked what I was writting about so I explained the stiuation.

It is not personal.

I just think I realized,
I wont ever think anyone is good enough for him.

She makes him happy though, so I am going to try alot harder.

What is a blog without picutres?

Stupid in class assignments...

When our teacher is gone...even though we have alot to get done in the next 30 days left of year book...we have to write a paper instead of working on our arrticles... so here is mine about the pros and cons of ip...

Pro’s and Con’s IP

Indian Plains High School has some amazing programs, amazing teachers, and amazing staff that make this place work. However not everything is as nice as the guidance counselors at our home school made it sound. This article is written to give you an accurate description seen thought the eyes of a student. Written by a student who is imperfect with biases, preconceived notions. The same student who is trying to make the best of the given situation, one student who wants to be remembered.
Indian Plains has two programs running simultaneously, Phoenix Academy and Graduation Academy. Graduation Academy is made up of seniors in need of a second chance, and some discipline, coming from two home schools, Nequa Valley, and Waubonsie Valley. Phoenix Academy is made up of students who need to be in school but for one reason or another are no longer aloud to attend their home school. A con to the way that this is set up is that because many of the students on Phoenix have been expelled for fighting, they are quick to anger, and cause many fights. While Graduation students have to go on lock down and stay in their rooms while one or two students are handled because they can not control themselves over such mundane things, one fight was over someone’s mom. The pro to this set up is in both sides students are given a second chance, life is filled with second chances, but all to often high school is unforgiving and not understanding, and gives no second changes.
The student population is about 75 students on Graduation Academy, and roughly 30 students in Phoenix Academy. The size is both an advantage and disadvantage to this school. It is definitely an advantage for the teachers because students who have a habit of skipping, how many students end up here, are easily caught. It is easier to meet people, and identifying new people unlike at our home schools is much easier as well. It is a con because you are with the same people all day everyday, and you know more then you would like to about some students and vise versa. Because of the size teachers know students on a more personal level, they know what students are capable, and they even know our names. Without this staff IP would not work, the staff is passionate about helping these students out, and that is exactly what they are achieving. The principal is also amazing, not long after we started school this year Ms. Tobin purchased a book for everyone who filled out a book slip, the students then had the option of donating the book when they were finished with it to the library. It really did get students to read; because it was something they choose.
The school has an opportunity to teach students much more then what is from a text book at Indian Plains. This program really holds students accountable for their actions, and they are ultimately choosing graduation, or not choosing graduation. They are in charge of their future. Ms. Provis was a student here at IP and we were talking one day at lunch when I was still getting use to everything at the begging of the year and she told me that IP showed her that school doesn’t have to suck. And that she was not stupid, and was capable of accomplishing something, she went to college and became a teacher, and came back to teach here, to help students such as herself.

when is it enough...because we stopped laughing a while ago

Leviticus 19:28 28 " 'Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD.


So as many of you I got my nose pierced a week ago.

Just have that in the back of your head, because this story actually beggins the Friday before my birthday with my, "friends," at chuckie cheese.

We are sitting down waiting for our pizza, and I tell my friends I have convinced my mom to let me get my nose pierced. The first thing out of my friends mouth is that is REDICULOUS...none of us would date a girl with a nose right. My reply was that it was fortunate that I did not want to date any of them.

Okay one joke, not a big deal whatever.

It continued until i got it done, and now thats all they talk about.
It was funny at first.
Now the only ones laughing are them.

But this is not the only thing that gets run into the ground with this group. Like the time they threw cds out of the car window, or the time they took all of our purses, or the time they took my camera card for a week...it really does continue, I am just choosing not to make this a rant now.

What now? We have tried telling them that it is not funny anymore, but they dont get it, and they dont care.

We don't feel like our friendship is valued, and we don't feel like we matter. We have said this before as well, but one of the girls is very much a golden retreaver. She just laughs and deals with it, and she is tired of it...When she is over something you know it has gone to far. But what do we do?

This is where it gets most frustrating.
The "christian card."

I feel like alot of what is done for show.

Christians don't judge, Christians love everyone...especially their friends. And this is how we treat each other what do we do to new people. How inclusive are we really?

This summer when I moved to my dads, they said they wernt going to support it, so they would not come visit me. Even when they did not have to drive, my best friend came down every Thursday and hung out with me at work, and she would stay the night at our house. She was amazing. But friends dont tell friends that Jesus said it was a sin to leave your mom. Friends don't shun each other because they dont agree on something. They support, but disagree, it can be done. I support the troops, but I STRONGLY disagree with why they are there.

It was intresting one of these friends who are fed up were talking about it, and she said I feel so weird saying this, but in this situation I feel like when God is involved it doesnt work.

That was why I called it a christian card. Because in my personal expeirance, everything that has God at the core works, and if this group of friends claim to have God at the core why is it the way that it is? My friendship with Kristin, God is our center. She told me she did not agree with me moving to my dads this summer, and she felt like it was a bad idea, but she still saw me. She still loved me, she still supported me.

So where is God in all of this, if one half of the group is thriving, and outreaching, and growing, why is the other not?

The bigger question is how do we fix it? Do we confront them yet again? Do we keep letting it go? Do we stand up? Do we try to talk about it again, and then when nothing changes and its this way still do we finally walk away?

When is enough enough.

Why can't we all just get along.
I feel like I am trying to teach 1st graders how to share and get along.
But the scary part is all of us are going into the real world next year.

intriuged...or insomnia..you decied

friend (11:25:40 PM): im trying to get closer to god here
me (11:26:24 PM): really?
friend (11:26:55 PM): well i do have faith finally
friend (11:27:06 PM): i didnt believe in god for awhile and blast changed all of that
friend (11:27:11 PM): it really brought me back to god
friend (11:27:13 PM): so yeah
el mano 08 (11:27:16 PM): thats cool
el mano 08 (11:28:46 PM): last year was really good
friend (11:29:13 PM): i wish i wouldve went
el mano 08 (11:29:21 PM): me dos.
el mano 08 (11:29:25 PM): u remind me of me alot last year
friend (11:29:31 PM): now next year is my last year at blast
friend (11:29:33 PM):
friend (11:29:38 PM): why do i remind you a lot of last year?
el mano 08 (11:29:54 PM): minus the whole guy part lol
el mano 08 (11:29:59 PM): umm....
el mano 08 (11:30:02 PM): its kinda hard to explain
el mano 08 (11:30:11 PM): but
el mano 08 (11:30:24 PM): just like where ur at w/ ur family is where i was last year
el mano 08 (11:30:31 PM): i started going to stuco right b4 blast
el mano 08 (11:30:47 PM): i dunno...there are jsut things that uhave said and i have been like...ive been there
el mano 08 (11:30:49 PM): afew times
el mano 08 (11:31:21 PM): i dunno if that has made sense. but...yeah.
friend (11:31:38 PM): well thats good to know we've been in some of the same situations
el mano 08 (11:31:45 PM): yeah
friend (11:32:07 PM): its kinda weird i told you when i first met you i usually dont open up to people that easy


So this is going to be another one of thoes, I cant sleep, but I really want to, but I need to sort my thoughts out blogs, so just go with it.

I was talking to my friend earlier about how they remind me alot of myself last year. Shortly after this conversation my friend went to bed, and I opted for not doing homework and attempted to do the same, but I couldnt. I keep thinking about me last year.

One year ago, I was the girl that went on a church retreat hung over. I was the girl that did what other people wanted to make them happy. I was the girl that was from a broken home. I was the girl whos dad didnt care about her. I was the girl that was letting achoalism consume another generation of my family. I was the girl that was living for myself. I was the girl that one year ago if you told me I would be a student intern at a church, I would have laughed at you. I was the girl that one year ago if you told me I would have baptised my brother and 4 8th grade girls who, I lead in small group ever Wednesday, and Sunday would have again laughed in your face.

Not to say that a year later I am perfect, but the key word in everyone of thoes sentances is WAS. Let me tel you who I am.

I am the girl who does not let my past dictate my future. I am the girl who has had rough times, but lived through them, and still has a good heart. I am the girl who choose to live for God, not for myself. I am the girl who went up EARLY to a church retreat to help. I am the girl that is a student intern, and I love it. I am the girl that baptised my brother, and the same one that he talked about who he looks up to for spiritual guidance. I am the girl who would do anything for that group of 8th grade girls I lead every week, and text almost daily. I am the girl who is taking live one day at a time, not perfectly, but to the best I can.

I am also the girl that has a nose ring...but that is another story all in its own.

I AM who I want to be, and I am living in Gods image.

I choose to be happy. Everyday when you wake up you make a choice, the choice to be happy, or the choice to not be.

This is kinda not on the same topic, but it is after midnight and this is my I cant sleep blog, so I am going to go a diffrent route now.

Tonight we talked about scars. As soon as I heard that we were doing scars, I knew it would be similar to CIY this summer.

That whole pain caused by others thing is a really big deal to me.

My family is not the greatest. I don't talk to my dad. Or he doesnt talk to me rather, and he wont be comming to my graduation. That hurts, so much. The thing about my dad is he choose me. He is my brothers dad, not mine, but he choose to be mine, and his wife choose for me not to be his daughter anymore. In the last few years it has just been a downward spiral that started the year my sister was born, on Christmas when he said, "I don't need you anymore, I have my own daughter now."

To fully understand what I lost, you need to know what I had.

When my parents got divorced it was really really hard at first but then it got so much better.
He was at every swim meet, he would time, and he would always make sure to time in the lane I was swimming in so he could watch me, he would work consession, he would come to EVERY practice and sit in the stands and do homework with my brother. He went to every football game I cheered at. He always let me have friends over no matter what, and he would always take us to get pizza or movies or anything. On his days off from work he would hang out at school with us, EVERYONE would tell me how cool my dad was. Actually there were a few girls who would call him hot, and I would always say the same thing, "He has never grounded you, he isnt that cool." Bring your kid to work day I always went with him. Everything I always did it with my dad, he was sooo cool. I could tell him anything. And then one day, he met my step mom, I was there and she thought I was his little sister. We were neighbors, she played the victim thing up real well, she had her son in high school, and his dad wasnt around. About 2 months later she was pregnat. and a few months after that they were married, and not long after that, there was my sister.

In the matter of a year I lost my dad. It was gradual at first, in the begging, it was just, you cant have friends over because Jen said so, or the baby is sleeping. Then it was, we have to do things as a family I cant hang out with just you anymore. Within no time, his wife said he couldnt hug me because it freeked her out, and he stopped telling me he loved me. I stopped comming over on weekends. He started not being as happy. All of this continued until I moved in with them, and a month later was kicked out...and found my stuff on the front lawn. It was very Jerry Springer.

My dad makes me so upset. I always said when I was 18 I would have my last name changed to be his because he was my dad. If you go on my myspace and read what makes a real dad in the blogs, you can kind of start to understand it. But on my 18th birthday I didnt get a phone call. I got a card with some money, and I called to thank him...and three weeks later he has yet to return my phone calls.

Scars are funny. They arnt always noticeable eaither.

Someone once told me when they look into my eyes they see someone who is constiantly trying to prove something to someone. Someone who is really unhappy but puts up walls and acts like everything is okay. And anyone from the outside looking in sees it as a really happy person.

I think there is alot of truth to that. I am ALWAYS smiling. I am always laughing, and for the most part, at least lately I have been alot more happy. But I do have scars. I lived in a home where it was okay for my step dad to abuse me and my brother. I grew up in a home where alcohol was the deciding factor in EVERYTHING, and our lives were dictated by the mood that one person woke up in. Everyone was always on edge in the mornings, because you couldnt tell if it was going to be a good day, or a bad day, and even if it was going to be a good day how fast that would chage. Everything was always on edge.

I remember one time, I dont even think he had been drinking. But Bradley had a baseball game, and I stayed home to do homework. They were late comming home because they went out for ice cream, and I needed ink to prink my homework. They went to go get it, and everything seemed fine. I am sitting on the couch watching tv, and the door slams. I looked across the room and I saw my mom going for a walk, knowing I was alone in the house with him I got really scared. He came into the living room, and started yelling at me, calling me all these horrible things, telling me how lazy I was for watching tv and how my grades were horrible...when I was on the honnoroll. I started crying hystarically and ran outside to my mom. I started yelling at her telling her how I was moving up north and she was taking me or I was getting on a plane that night and she was like what did he do. I had not done anything, and I tried to explain that. She made me go inside with her and told me to just go up to my room and not to come down. So we walked in the front door and she was pissed and they started fighting. All I remember was on my way up the stairs hearing him yell at me about how I ruined everything, and how I this fight was all my fault. My mom kept saying it wasnt and yelling at him for saying that. Im prettysure that was the first night the fights got physical. We lived there for another year.

Now we live here, but with the way things go back and forth, and she will talk to him and then she wont. He will come up and visit and then they will fight. Everything is so wishywashy. I hate it. I hate knowing that at any given minute he can show up at my house, because my mom was careless and let him know where we lived. I am scared that she will let him back into our live, I am scared that its not over. More then anything I am scared that I will make a mistake and repeat that lifestyle.

I try so hard not to let my past come back.



I took this of my little sister, my step dads daughter, and our dog bud a few years ago. My only regret in leaving, is she can't escape him. I wish I could tell her that here is a light at the end of the tunnel but I cant. I just have to hope that God shows her what is right, and just because you have crappy parents doesnt mean it is your destiny.

Shawn talked about how there were kids in the room that fall asleep listening to music because they hate silence. Because anytime of quit you start thinking about stuff, and its just so much easier to block it out.

I have not even remember alot of this stuff in a really long time. Im not sure why I actually wrote it out, and I know that it has no corrolation with each other on this computer screen, but internally these scars all cross. They are things I deal with on a daily basis.

Tonight I decided to not listen to music when I fell asleep, just to prove I could do it. I cant. I keep moving around in my bed, I keep thinking of things. And I feel sick, not becasue of this, just ingeneral, but it does not help.

Silence is so loud. -J.J. Barrows

a reminder to remember the little people...

Saturday night I went with my best friend and her two siblings to see a Shaun Groves show in Elgin. It was awsome!!

But he made me think about someone very speacial to me, and even shed a tear.

He shared this amazing story about why he went into music. His dad was a veteran, like mine, and just the hardship of comming back after a war. Growing up without very much money, his mom wanted him to be a lawyer, get a "real job." Much like my mom. He talked about how he was really good at english in high school, art, and band, he was "artys fartsy." So his mom made him intern in a lawyers office. He talked about how one summer when he was 16 I think his mom made the mistake of sending him to stay with his grandma who was artys. The story went on about how one day his grandma and him were talking and she asked him what he wanted to do. He told her what his mom wanted, and he told her what he wanted. She said dont listen to your momma, and follow your dreams. When he was 19 his grandma died, and they found a book of poetry his grandma had written at 19. No body knew she was a poet, and someone told her to get a real job, and that she couldnt do it. She knew what it was like to live a life that was not what she wanted to be living.

It hit home so much. My grandma is my rock, my best friend, my favorite person in the world, my encouragment, my truth, where I get my good looks and strenght, and even my name.

She is so amazing, soo soo amazing. But see, I had a talk with my grandma like Shaun did with his, last weekend. I have made some dessisions lately most of you know about, to close some chapters and start some new ones. And when I stayed with her as I was driving to her house she was asking me why I did it. I told her that I have dreams and asperations bigger then myself. I want to go into youth ministry, I want to write a book, I want to go into journalisim. I don't want to settle at 18 I want to go out and experiance the world, chase my dreams see how far I get. I don't want to settle. I want to breath the air in of other countries, taste food of diffrent regions, touch the ocean everywhere I can. I also told her how momma wants me to have a "real job." I dont have a sit at a dest attention span, or desire. That is not what God has made me for. Not that that is a bad thing at all, its just not where I am called. But my grandma told me to do. She was real and told me print journalisim is going out. But she was a journalist, and she was a good one as well. I have only come across one article she wrote and it was about Granny B, and her first mothers day without her. But it was amazing. My grandma was given the gift of words, and my mother was given the gift of numbers. When we look at my report card, and my math grade, it is pretty obvious my mom kept that gene. I am just so greatful to have her support. I feel like she will always be on my side, even when I do wrong, I feel she gets it. And I love her for that.

I hate the north. I hate winter, I hate snow, I hate the north. I have said this whole year we have lived here I will go back to Tennessee for college, back to the warmth and flip flops all year long. But I will be in Michigan. And no matter how I try to play it off, even though I really do love the college, I can't go that far from her.

Granny always says, pretty is as pretty does. And there is so much to that. But I really do think that my grandmother is the most beautiful person in the world. Inside and out.

Worship is a dance...

"Worship is beautiful, worship is a dance." -Shawn Harris (who will always be the intern in my heart)

Dancing speeks to me.
Dancing I understand.
Beauty is so hard to wrap my mind around, its such a huge scheem of things,
but dancing, thats raw, its real.
It feels, it hurts, its a struggle, it moves, it grows.
Dancing, to me is a living breathing thing.
Dancing, to me is amazing.

From now on, I will describe my relationship with God as a Dance.

In hope floats Justin says, "Dancing is just a conversation between two people, so come dance with me."

And to me, that is what my relationship with God is, it is a conversation, with no beggining and no ending.

But after my mind thought of all of this during stuco tonight, Shawn started talking about his friend dieing when he was in high school.

I know what that is like.
I lost six friends in one summer.

It was a pain I did not know I could feel.
He asked if anyone had heard Psalm 23

If you don't know it, it is usually read at funerals. I heard it atleast six times this summer.
And it is the intro to a song we sing at stuco. And I don't know how I have over looked it but I have.

The part we sing is verse 4.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you (my God) are with me;

I started thinking of Morgan,
he died most recent.
I was closest with him.

He was amazing.
He could make anyone laugh.
In fact, the mood Im in right now,
it is the exact time where I would think to call him,
because he would make me laugh.

For example:

and his pretty blue eyes,

I had a friend, the friend who led me to Christ,
ask me where God was in all of this.
Asked me why he would take someone like Morgan.
Why would he take the good guy?

And that is exactally it.

It was a revolution, his death that is.

Do you know how many kids came to Christ this summer thought all this tragity?
How many kids choose God.
How many kids saw how Morgan lived his life,
and said I want to be with him again someday.

Alot, but on the other end of that,
my friend reminds me how many kids,
such as herself have lost faith in God.

Here is the irony in that statement,
"I have lost faith in God"
She also told me that she didn't belive in him anymore.

To acknowledge his presents, is to admit he is there.
Therefor, I belive that she, and thoes other kids beilive in him,
they just don't trust him.

That makes me wonder how many times have I not trusted in God. How often do I take things into my own hands and try to fix everything, and set out with the I am going to make this world a better place mentality.

The answer to that is simple.
I am not pleased with it but it is simple.

I don't take things to God very often, I somehow feel no one can fix it. Then not allowing God to work.

I have trust issues to begin with, not that that is an excuse.
but I do. And the more I think about Morgan, the more I think about the revolotion his death made, and is continuing to make. I miss him, God knows I miss him.

But God feels my pain. God watched his own son, persicuted, miss treated, and murdered. If that pain is not greater then my pain, then I dont know what pain is.

Something I know about dance is there are diffrent sequinces in a routien.

If my relationship with God is a routien, and I have been practicing for a recital, I belive it is time that I try a diffrent technique because mine is not working.

I am going to trust God more, and I am going to make our dance that much more beautiful.

a letter to him...

Its so much easier to write.

I feel horrible I do. And I doubt he would belive it but Im hystarical. It hurts that I am hurting him. But I need a break. Im not sure when I started feeling this way, but I know I decided Thursday night.

We were texting, and I was typing a reply I love you too. And when I sent it it just didnt feel the same. And i have been thinking about it alot in the last few days.
I almost feel like it has been over used. We do say it alot. And it feels like it looses meaning. Like when you say your amazing everyday, it gets to be rutien almost.

I need a break. At least 2 weeks for just me. No guys, just friends, just God, just me.

I feel like you are choosing school because of me too. And I dont want that. Go where you want to go. I don't want to hurt you. It hurts me to hurt you. Im just not sure what I need or want right now.


Don't wait for me. Im not asking for that. Go live your life. We can see what its like in 2 weeks. If its ment to be, we will get back together. But if not, we will just be friends. And thats okay. You are an amazing person, and an amazing friend. You are so genuine. Your great.

I was listening to this song go youtube it and read these words its at the beggining of the song.

It made me think of you after the phone today, and I started crying really bad. I asked you when you wanted your stuff back because I was wearing your sweatshirt, because it still has a faint smell of you.

anyway...

brad pasiley...letter to me

If I could write a letter to meand send it back in time to myself at seventeenfirst I'd prove it's me by sayin'look under your bed, there's a Skoal can and a Playboyno one else would know you hidand then I'd say I know it's toughwhen you break up after 7 monthsand yeah I know you really liked her and it just don't seem fairbut all I can say is pain like that is fast and it's rareand oh you got so much goin' for you goin' rightbut I know at 17 it's hard to see past Friday nightshe wasn't right for you and still you feel like there's a knife stickin' out of your backand you're wonderin' if you'll survivebut you'll make it through this and you'll seeyou're still around to write this letter to me


im sorry.